I remember
by BlackForTheSakeOfSanity
Summary: Merthur! Arthur rises from the lake once He is weak and has an illness Merlin cant figure Stuff happens between them and the past What was Arthur and Merlin's relationship before Arthur's death? Sorry the summary is crappy, inside is better I Please leave constructive criticism :) rating changed to M!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Guys PLEASE review and leave feedback because I REALLY need to know if this is going well. I want to do Merthur justice, not just put up a crappy fic. Any kind of criticism would be highly appreciated :***

**(there were some mistakes in the chapter because i had accidentally uploaded the wrong document. Its all pretty much the same actually except a few small blunders and the horizontal lines) **

The dim moonlight only just illuminates the still, dark lake and its surroundings. The chilly November breeze picks up and a man, almost hidden in the shadow of a tree, pulls his coat tighter around himself. His long, pale fingers slide themselves deep into the pockets of his jeans as he slowly walks closer to the edge of the lake. The wind blows his dark hair back, exposing his forehead and he bows his head a bit, hiding his face further behind the woolen blue scarf that is draped over his shoulders, around his neck.

Merlin comes here more often than anybody can count. But he can be seen here most at night. At night when it's all quiet, he can sit here in without being disturbed. No people, nothing. Just silence. Almost like the silence, he remembers, that surrounded him once, over a thousand years ago. A silence that was deafening only punctured here and there with his sobs.

His shoes slide a bit over the damp grass as he reaches the edge. His eyes swivel once over the lake and then he sits down, pulling his legs up and hugging them to his chest. His chin rests on his knees and he stares out at the lake, stares without seeing. The past plays itself behind his eyes like a movie. All the mistakes he made.

The mistakes that led to Arthur's death. He knew. He _knew_. Why had he been so naive? All those chances he had of finishing Mordred. What if he had not contributed to Mordred's escape that night? Uther would have had him executed. The dragon had told him countless times that Mordred would be Arthur's death.

And he had been. No matter how much Merlin was convinced that Merlin would protect Arthur and shape the future.

I'm an idiot, Merlin thinks. And a bitter smile touches his lips as he remembers Arthur calling him an idiot more times than he can count. The breeze caresses his face gently and he allows his eyes to slide shut.

He wonders how it would have been, had Arthur not died in that manner. If he had lived his life normally. He would have still died eventually, a few decades later. Merlin would still be just as grieved and just as hopeful, waiting for Arthur to rise again.

_Immortality is no gift, _Merlin thinks bitterly._ It's a curse_.

He had met several people over the years, who craved immortality. They had grown scarcer as belief in magic lessened and then finished completely. _If only they knew._

A very soft gurgling sound reaches Merlin's ears and his head snaps up, eyes sharp. They sweep over his surroundings, lingering longer over the lake. Where had it come from? He strains his ears, nails digging into his palms.

Another gurgle sounds and Merlin stands up, not daring to breathe as he notices soft ripples rolling over the surface of the lake. Without realizing, he takes a few steps forward, the tips of his shoes touching the edge of the water. First a couple, and then steady bubbles come from somewhere beneath the water. Something stirs and the ripples turn into small waves. Merlin strides forward, wading into the cold water, without paying attention to the cold seeping through his clothes and clinging to his body, making him shiver.

The surface of the lake breaks as a silver blade rises up, a pale hand clutching the hilt. _Freya? _Merlin thinks but just one proper look tells him that his not the hand that had risen out of the lake twice before. It was one more familiar than that.

'_Arthur_.' The word escapes his lips before he realizes. His knees feel and weak and the only thing keeping him up is the image before him. He's frozen, shocked. _Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, _he thinks, unable to register anything else. Another arm has emerged from the depths by now and Merlin watches, hypnotized.

A gasping and sputtering manages to break through Merlin's trance and his eyes widen as he realizes Arthur is struggling to come up. In less than a few seconds, Merlin is grasping the arms and tugging Arthur up while trying to keep his own head above the water as well. A blond head surfaces, gasping for breath. He looks up and the blue eyes find Merlin's. Arthur grasps the dark haired man's arm with his free hand and holds himself up.

'Arthur...' Merlin whispers holding him tightly and resisting the urge to hug him till every last molecule of air leaves Arthur's lungs. The Once and Future King stumbles forward and buries his face in his warlock's shoulder, his fingers digging into Merlin's arm. They both ignore the cold and the chin-high water surrounding them. 'Arthur, it's really you...' Merlin realizes Arthur is trembling. 'It's really cold.' He murmurs. 'Let's get you home.'

Sliding his arm around Arthur's waist to support him, Merlin guides them out of the lake.

Arthur sags and falls to his knees as soon as they reach the grass.

'Arthur!' Merlin crouches beside him and takes his face in his hands. His eyes are half closed and his breathing, labored. In better light, Merlin notices the dark circles around Arthur's eyes. 'Tell me what's wrong, I can fix it. Where does it hurt, Arthur?' His heart beats harder and he's close to panicking. 'Please...' He whispers, barely holding back the tears.

Arthur's fingers curl around Merlin's wrist, gripping it tightly. His eyes roll back into his head.

'What? What is it? Why won't you say anything?' His thumbs trace Arthur's cheeks and he closes his eyes, letting his magic flow through his hands, seeping into the shivering man before him. His eyes widen and he gasps. A dead end. Whatever it was that Arthur had, it was not something Merlin was able to access. It was like a blocked passage. A dark room. And it was sucking energy out of Merlin by the second, exhausting him. He stops his flow of magic, feeling dizzy. He would have to figure this out at home.

'Come on, Arthur.' He mumbles, but Arthur's eyes roll back into his head and he loses all consciousness. 'Arthur.' Merlin chokes out, patting his cheek. Sliding his arms under his head and knees, he lifts the king and carries him up to his BMW. A golden glow of eyes later, the back door swings open and Merlin carefully settles him on the smooth leather seats. 'Everything will be okay, I promise. I promise.'

He rushes to the wheel and drives them home, almost colliding with a vespa and a car on the way.

* * *

Merlin's fingers tremble as they unbuckle the leather straps of Arthur's armor. His hands move automatically, still remembering the pattern after all these years. The armor makes dull thudding sounds on the carpeted bedroom floor as he drops it piece by piece, concentrating on keeping Arthur standing my magic.

A concentration which waivers slightly as his fingertips brush against Arthur's smooth abdomen as he tugs off the soaked tunic. A familiar shiver tingles through his body, one that he had tried hard to forget. Even when Arthur was alive. Merlin bites his lip and steadies himself before picking up a dry towel and guiding it over the blond man's chest and back. Then he drapes it over his head leans in slightly to be able to dry his hair more easily, their cheeks brush and Merlin flushes.

His hands let the towel slip and he stares at Arthur, strands of hair falling over the slightly furrowed brow. Merlin smiles softly as he remembers that gentle frown is what Arthur had every morning after he had gotten out of bed and into his fresh clothes for the day. He had never been a morning person.

Something inside Merlin longs to hold Arthur in his arms. He had waited so long. A millennium. More. Just to see Arthur again. To hear a frustrated '_Mer_lin!' only the way he could say it. To be made fun of and then gruffly told none of it was true. To be hugged once more like he had been when Arthur had found him after Morgana had cursed him.

The yearning makes him feel like someone is twisting his stomach. He swallows the lump and settles for a soft kiss just beneath Arthur's ear. _'I missed you so much, Arthur.'_ He mumbles and hesitates only a second before pulling away and stopping himself from inhaling any more of his neck.

* * *

'Shit.' Merlin swears. 'Shit.' He runs his fingers through his hair, tugging them exasperatedly. Anxiety engulfs him and he starts pacing around his apartment, digging into stacks of books looking for anymore of Gaius' books on magic and the Old Religion. Nothing. He couldn't figure out anything. He had found nothing that was even close to what Arthur had. He didn't have much to go on, either.

Something that blocked magic from touching it, made the victim unconscious and...?

He felt like he was letting Arthur down. Disappointing him. He holds his head in his hands, trying to calm down.

A crash sounds from the bedroom and Merlin sprints to his room. 'Arthur?' He pushes open the door and finds a wide eyed and very panicked once and future king who stands up quickly. His legs are trembling, his face paler and faint beads of sweat clinging to his forehead.

'M- Merlin-' He rasps out, stumbling forward. Merlin closes the distance between them and slides his arms to Arthur's back, holding him tightly.

'It's okay, I'm here.' He whispers, hugging Arthur's rigid form. 'Everything is okay, Arthur.' his fingers brush the hair at the nape of his neck.

Fingers clutch at Merlin's shirt at his waist and Arthur's body relaxes, if only slightly. _'Merlin...'_ his breath hitches and the fingers dig into Merlin's skin. _'Don't- Don't let me die Merlin please...'_

'I won't, not this time. I promise. Nothing will happen to you.'

Arthur doesn't respond.

'I promise.' Merlin repeats firmly and tugs him back towards the bed. 'You need to rest. Tell me what's happening, where does it hurt? Anything.' He sits him down and tries to keep the desperation out of his voice.

Arthur hugs himself tightly and stares forward without answering, rocking back and forth slowly.

'Arthur?'

'I don't want to go back Merlin. I don't. I _don't. Don't let me go back. Please. Plea-'_

'Arthur, I won't. Trust me. You'll stay here with me.' Merlin tries to keep his voice steady and keep hysteria at bay. His arms slide around the blonde's shoulders and he pulls him close, resting his head on his own shoulder. Arthur doesn't seem to notice, and keeps staring out into space but his shaking calms a bit.

The warlock tries to make sense of the things going on. What was Arthur talking about? He didn't dare ask him in case he snapped again.

Merlin's thumb rubs circles on Arthur's temple absently. His mind whirs with struggle for explanation. 'Here,' he murmurs softly. 'Lie down for a bit, I need to get my laptop.' He lays Arthur's head on the pillow gently and lifts his feet back onto the bed. 'I'll get you something to eat, okay?'

Arthur's unblinking, blue eyes are unnerving and Merlin turns to go. Immediately Arthur's fingers wrap themselves around his wrist tightly and Merlin faces him once more and sees the panic in his eyes. _'Don't, Merlin.' _he whispers desperately. _'Don't leave me.'_

'Arthur I'm just going to get my-'

'NO! Merlin-'

'Okay, okay. It's okay. I'm going nowhere, see?' Merlin swallows and sits beside Arthur, back against the bed, pulling his legs up. He tugs the sheets till they're over both of them. Arthur considers this for a second before his fingers loosen around Merlin's wrist but he doesn't let go completely, instead he turns to his side and stares without seeing once more, nose almost touching Merlin's thigh.

The dark haired boy rests his palm against Arthur's forehead to check for a fever. The blond leans into the touch and his eyes flutter close. After getting over the initial surprise, Merlin presses his hand gently and his long fingers are soon combing through the soft, golden hair. His vision becomes blurry and he can only be grateful that Arthur isn't awake to see him cry. To see how helpless he feels, unable to rid his friend of the thing that was hurting him. Consuming Arthur's sanity. Making him feel so scared. Arthur. Arthur of Camelot had rarely been scared. And those few times he had been, he had never admitted it. Merlin could only see it in his eyes. Which he had learned to read over all those years. They are still the same. An open book to Merlin. And now they show things he has never before seen in his eyes. And he can't quite place them but he knows they aren't pleasant.

The golden lashes rested against the pale cheeks are what break him. Break that last strand that was holding him together. Merlin's body shakes with silent sobs.

_Merlin can't see Arthur like this._

* * *

'Arthur?' Merlin says softly, shaking his arm. 'Wake up, you need to eat.'

Arthur opens an eye and frowns. 'Shut up, Merlin.' The sheets are pulled back up over his face.

Merlin bites his lip to hold back the hysterical laughter that threatens to come gushing out of his throat. 'Somebody's feeling better.' He lays the tray on the side table.

A muffled 'what' sounds from beneath the covers and Arthur sits up abruptly. He squints against the bright light and looks around.

'Oh.' His face darkens. 'I…'

The same panicky look slips back into his eyes and Merlin bites his lip harder. 'I made your favorite stew.' His hands shake as he picks up the bowl. Arthur looks at him, uncomprehending.

'Your favorite stew.' Merlin repeats weakly, sitting beside him and holding out the bowl. Arthur blinks at it.

'How- how are you feeling Arthur?' Merlin asks tentatively.

'It hurts less,' He responds quietly.

'Where does it hurt?'

'It's not… It's not in my body.'

'What do you mean?'

Arthur takes the bowl from Merlin and looks at it, turning it in his hand. 'This is a strange bowl.' He says, almost inaudible. He looks around the room again and then his clothes. (One of Merlin's large hoodies and a pair of slacks. Merlin had to remember to buy clothes for Arthur later.) 'What kind of place are we in, Merlin?'

The dark haired boy sits at the edge of the bed and sighs, running his fingers through his hair. 'This is my- our home now.'

The spoon clinks against the china bowl and Merlin sees Arthur taking a spoonful from the corner of his eye. 'What- What about the castle? Isn't that our home?'

'Things are… Different now. It's been,' Merlin hesitates. 'Over a thousand years.'

'I don't understand, Merlin.' He puts the stew back on the tray and holds his head in his hands. 'I don't understand anything.' His voice is small.

'Hey,' Merlin whispers and shifts to be beside him. His fingers graze Arthur's knee. 'I'll explain everything to you. Don't worry, please? It's okay, it's not a big deal.'

'How would you know?'

'I just…' Merlin exhales heavily. 'Arthur, I know it's going to be hard for a while. Don't be too troubled over this. It's the least of our concerns, I'm worried about you.'

'I'm fine.'

'You said it hurts less, where- How does it hurt?'

'What happened? After I… Died- _What is that noise_?!'

'Cars.'

'What?'

'Um, horseless carriages?' Merlin tries half heartedly.

'Horseless? Sorcery?'

'No, its not… Sorcery isn't believed in, anymore.'

Arthur's head snapped up. 'What?'

'Magic died out. People don't think magic is real now.'

'How did it die out, Merlin?' a confused look adorns Arthur's face and Merlin has to stifle a smile.

'They killed a lot of people who were thought to have magic, Arthur. Not in Albion, the land you brought together but in other kingdoms. Eventually there were very few people with magic left. '

'What happened to Camelot- Albion?'

Merlin swallows and looks away. 'Gwen ruled for a very long time, Arthur. But there was no heir and...' He trails off, biting his lip.

'And what?'

'There was a woman ruling. We countered many attacks successfully. Many died defending your kingdom. Sir Percival and Sir Leon were only two of the many knights who died. But that didn't last forever. After forty five years, our army was weakening. Gwen didn't always know how to have the men trained. Sir Leon met his end only six years after you…' Merlin clears his throat before continuing. 'I helped where ever I could, Arthur but we dealt with many traitors still holding grudges about Uther's rule. The neighboring kingdoms were ready to bribe heavily for inside information and spies. Everyone wanted a piece of the united land of Albion that you left behind. We were flourishing. But...' Merlin hesitates and looks at his hands. 'Not all magic is good. Some sorcerers assisted the attacks. There were only a handful of them left. Some were good while others just abused their magic.'

Arthur looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to finish but he doesn't go on. 'What did they do?' Arthur asks, urging Merlin to tell him the rest but the warlock only fumbles with his fingers. 'Merlin.'

'I let you down, okay?' Merlin bursts out and gets off the bed, back turned to Arthur. 'I failed. I'm an idiot. I fell into their trap. One of them, a young girl, she came to the castle seeking my help. She said a small group of sorcerers was living just outside Albion but they couldn't escape because King Hieneth's men were patrolling the woods they were living in, constantly. King Hieneth was killing every sorcerer because many of them were thought to be our spies because we accepted old religion and magic. I rode with her to- to help… I thought… I thought…' He wipes the tears away hastily with the back of his hand and continues before he cant speak about it anymore. 'By the time I realized that… It had been a trick. It was already too late. I- I came back to a fallen Albion and- Gwen, she was- they killed-' A sob escapes his lips and he buries his face in his hands.

'Merlin you didn't-' Arthur's warm body is beside him in a second and he is turning Merlin around by the shoulders. 'It wasn't your fault. Look at me.' His hands gently cup his face and thumbs wipe away Merlin's tears. He tilts his face up but the dark haired boy doesn't meet Arthur's eyes. The other man lets his thumbs travel down to Merlin's lips and trace them gently. Merlin's eyes widen and Arthur leans in just a bit, brushing their lips together.

'Arthur,' He murmurs against his lips, eyes fluttering close. Arthur pulls Merlin in for a proper kiss, their lips barely touch when the doorbell tears through. Merlin jumps and stumbles back. 'No.' he whispers, his face turning pale. 'No, Arthur. We're not- Not again. Not this time.'

Trying his best to ignore the hurt look on Arthur's face he strides out of the room as the bell rings again.

* * *

**A/N: I really hope you guys enjoyed that ^_^**

**Review because Merthur is canon :3**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey :3 RATING CHANGED TO M! I wasnt planning on doing that so soon but... well lets just say things played out differently.**

**T****his one was a bit difficult to write in a bunch of places and then suddenly the words would start flowing and I would be found typing till four in the morning and then of course, trying to catch a few seconds of sleep during my classes . I hope it was worth it.**

**Your reviews would certainly make this Merthur shipper very happy, yep :3 even if its constructive criticism :)**

**(Note: ****_Agoraphobia (an anxiety disorder) is basically fear of situations and places where one might have a panic attack. This includes wide open spaces, airplanes, crowded areas, etc. Which is why, those suffering from it often have a hard time in life because they like to stay inside where they feel safest and calm.)_**

* * *

The doorbell rings again, more insistent this time. 'Coming.' Merlin grumbles only loud enough for Arthur to hear who is right behind him. Merlin yanks the front door open just as the bell starts to ring a third time.

'Jesus- oh. Hello Jaden.' Merlin says and steps aside to let the visitor in.

'Hey, Merlin.' The sandy haired young man drawls and saunters inside lazily. 'Who's this then?' He nods at Arthur, eying him up and down.

'This is Arthur, he's my, uh, friend.' Merlin turns to Arthur who is standing rigid, staring at Jaden. 'Arthur this is Jaden, he lives above us.'

Jaden holds out his hand in Arthur's direction. 'Nice to meet you.'

Merlin frowns at Arthur's clenched fists at his sides as he glares at Jaden.

'Are you sure he isn't the jealous boyfriend type, Merlin?' Jaden raises an eyebrow and starts to bring his hand back down.

'What? No-' Merlin splutters, flushing. 'We're not-'

'Nice to meet you, too.' Arthur blurts out and grabs Jaden's fingers. A gasp escapes his mouth and he stumbles back, letting the hand go like it's hot coal.

'Arthur, are you okay?!' Merlin reaches out to touch Arthur but his hand is pushed away.

'Get out.' The blond growls at Jaden who takes a step back, a confused look on his face.

'I'm sorry?'

'I SAID, GET OUT.' Arthur bellows and shoves Jaden.

'What the fuck-'

'Arthur what are you doing!' Merlin grabs Arthur's arm but he tugs it away.

'Merlin make him leave, I-'

'Jaden,' Merlin cuts Arthur off and turns to his scowling neighbor. 'look I'm sorry. But for some reason your presence is upsetting him. He's a bit… He's not feeling well so if you could just come back later-'

'Yeah, yeah.' Jaden shoots a dirty look in Arthur's direction and leaves. Merlin shuts the door behind him and turns around.

'_What was that all about, Arthur_?' He asks, unable to keep the slight irritation out of his voice. He can't tell whether its because of Arthur having a fit over a friendly neighbor or _'the incident that happened earlier'_ as Merlin refers to it in his head.

Arthur is standing with his back to Merlin, his legs trembling. 'I need to lie down.' He says quietly, his voice quivering and breath heavy.

Something inside Merlin softens. 'Hey.' He murmurs and slides hands over Arthur's tense shoulders comfortingly. 'What happened?'

Merlin half expects Arthur to yell at him about… _'the incident that happened earlier' _but he bucks over and retches. Warning bells go off in Merlin's head as he rubs Arthur's back. He magics a bin over which Arthur bucks and vomits out his insides coughing violently.

'How the hell are you vomiting?' Merlin mutters, supporting Arthur back to the bedroom. 'You barely ate anything.'

A short session with the mouthwash later, Arthur is back in bed, blood drained from his face. Merlin pulls the blanket over his trembling body and sits down beside him, waiting for him to calm down. Once his breathing normalizes, the warlock voices his question.

'Why did you need Jaden out of the house, Arthur?'

He doesn't reply immediately and looks away before he does. 'He isn't a good man.'

Merlin frowns. 'What do you mean? How would you know?'

'I felt it.'

'You _felt_ it?'

'Yes. I felt it inside me. And… When I shook his hand the feeling just… _burned_ even more.'

'So you just felt it. Just like that.'

Arthur doesn't reply.

'Arthur if you're just… just jealous of-'

'I'm not jealous.' The blond replies quietly.

'Good because I cant- We cant- I couldn't handle it last time Arthur.' Merlin's voice quivers as he says the last bit.

'What did you want me to do, Merlin?' the once and future king responds in a defeated tone.

_'Something.' _Merlin whispered.

A deafening silence fills the room after this and is only broken with the rustle of Merlin's clothes as he gets up to leave. In less than a second his wrist is in Arthur's firm grip. Merlin turns around but the King's eyes are focused on the ceiling. The warlock sighs and sits back down, watching Arthur slip into a restless slumber.

_'_Mer_lin! The water is not hot enough.' Arthur complained, dipping his toe in the tub._

_The warlock rubbed his eyes sleepily. 'It's three in the morning, Arthur.'_

_'The time is no excuse for your incompetence.' The prince pouted and placed his hands on his hips._

_'But I'm so tired.' Merlin said in a small voice and failed at stifling a yawn. Arthur huffed._

_'Very well, get in the bed and I'll wake you up when I need my clothes.'_

_Merlin raised his eyebrows. 'Your bed?'_

_'Don't be an idiot Merlin. I'm not speaking another language. You did take a bath after cleaning the leech tank, didn't you?'_

_Merlin nodded and yawned yet again. Arthur busied himself in scrubbing the layer of dirt and sweat off his body. He had been on a hunting trip to kill exactly three deer, a result of a slightly drunk bet with the knights during one of the castle feasts._

_The dark haired boy slumped onto the bed and scrambled under the smooth, silk covers. His eyes strayed to Arthur's now bare body, the muscles in his back rippling as he worked on his ankle and foot. Merlin tore his eyes away and turned his back, warmth seeping into his ears and cheeks. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself and buried his face into the pillow, dozing off in less than a minute._

_'Merlin.'_

_'mmmff.' Merlin mumbled and rolled over onto his stomach. His arm draped over something cool and damp. The warm stupor dulled his senses and he ignored when his mind asked him to open his eyes, letting sleep take control. He felt a gentle touch over his cheekbone. Something traced his lips and this time his eyes fluttered open. Silver light from the window caressed Arthur's face, making his blue eyes glitter as they found his own. Merlin's breath caught in his chest as the prince cupped his cheek and pressed his lips to the warlock's mouth. His body stiffened and eyes widened but Arthur's fingers slipped into his hair, pulling him closer, sliding his lips gently against Merlin's, sucking softly on the lower lip._

_Merlin found himself responding to the urgency in Arthur's kiss, his body relaxing against the more muscular one and his hands traveling up the smooth chest. He let out a breathy moan into Arthur's mouth when the blond let his hand slide beneath Merlin's tunic to feel the pale skin and his tongue traced Merlin's lip timidly, seeking entrance which was granted almost immediately._

_Encouraged by this, Arthur let his hand settle at the small of Merlin's back as their tongues explored each other and pushed his hips against Merlin's, letting out a raspy groan, breaking the kiss gently for only a second. 'Merlin,' He whispered with longing and tilted his head, taking the dark haired boy's soft lips once more._

_Merlin stifled a gasp when he felt Arthur's hardness against his thigh. His body responded in the same way and his lips became desperate against prince's, _needing_ more. He let himself go in Arthur's arms, allowing himself to be consumed by the longing he had always had for him. He gave in to the need he had suppressed for so long, knowing he would fall hard and it would be impossible to pick himself up. But this time, this time, wasn't Arthur there to hold him?_

_Arthur's fingers fumbled with Merlin's cotton pajamas and his hand slid beneath the waistband. Merlin gasped out his name when the cool fingers curled themselves around his erection. Merlin's nails dug into Arthur's chest and he whimpered. The prince let out a low chuckle and pulled back. Merlin's eyes flew open in alarm but he found his shirt being lifted and tugged off his body._

_'I want you bare, Merlin.' Arthur murmured against his neck and planted a soft kiss just beneath his ear. 'Come on, let me see you.' His fingers tugged at Merlin's waistband and before Merlin could say anything, he was lying naked in the prince's bed being straddled by the prince. He closed his eyes tightly, blushing furiously, knowing Arthur was watching him. 'I- I'm not much to look at-' Merlin mumbled opening his eyes just a little bit._

_'Shut up Merlin.' Arthur leaned in, tongue flicking over the warlock's earlobe, sucking it briefly. 'You're perfect.' He breathed into his ear. Arthur hips thrusted themselves against Merlin again and the young warlock breathed in sharply, biting his lip, and inwardly cursing the thin fabric that still separated their skins. Arthur's damned pajama bottoms. His fingers pulled at them weakly but Arthur pushed his hand away, grazing his fingers over Merlin's thigh. His lips in the manservant's neck, sucking and nipping all the way to his shoulder and then his chest, tongue flicking over a nipple. Merlin's fingers tensed in Arthur's wet hair, holding him in place as he breathed hard, an 'Arthur…' escaping his lips._

_The prince took Merlin's aching cock in his hand and stroked slowly once, twice, savoring Merlin's whimpers and groans, watching his features carefully under the moonlight. Then he jerked him off, hard and fast to see Merlin struggling to maintain his breathing and the bites of the lip and the shuddering of his body as he came, mumbling Arthur's name, barely coherent. The blond couldn't take it anymore. He was close, so close, just watching Merlin in this state, knowing he was the one who had done this to him. He was the one who had been able to bare Merlin in more than one way and have this affect on him. His hand slipped inside his own bottoms, pulling himself a few times before coming too and collapsing over Merlin whose senses still seemed to be dulled._

_Arthur shifted them so Merlin was draped over his chest. The dark haired boy pressed his lips to Arthur's neck and clutched at the sheets bunched up around them. Everything felt _exactly_ the way it should be. And exactly the way it _shouldn't_._

Merlin watches the steady rise and fall of Arthur's chest until sleep tugs his eyelids close and he leans back, allowing himself to be taken into sleeps arms, letting him, for a few hours, forget the aching hole in his chest.

'Morgana.'

Merlin's eyes fly open and his head snaps in Arthur's direction. Sweat beads Arthur's forehead and his eyebrows are bunched together. His fingers are clutching the covers. 'Don't… Morgana…' He whispers.

'Arthur?' Merlin shakes the blonde's rigid arm gently. 'You're dreaming.'

'I cant… It hurts… no, please… _Please_… Not again…'

The warlock shakes his arm harder, fear seeping into him. 'Wake up!' He says, louder this time. Arthur's body relaxes and the creases on his forehead smooth out. His eyes open slowly and he looks up at Merlin who whispers again. 'You were dreaming.'

'It- It didn't feel like a dream,' Arthur said quietly. 'It felt like… It had happened before.'

'What were you dreaming?'

Arthur thinks for a second and then shakes his head. 'Nothing,' he murmurs. Even though Merlin knows better, he doesn't ask again.

* * *

'Merlin, this is fantastic.' Arthur says through a mouthful of ice cream he had found in the 'big ice box of food'. 'What is it?'

'It's ice cream, Arthur. And I don't think you should be eating that considering the condition you are in-'

'I feel great Merlin, if you want me to save some of this for you then just say so. Stop depriving me of the fruit of the new world. Where can we get more of this?' Arthur starts to dig in the fridge once more. Merlin rolls his eyes and turns back to his laptop (curious light book, as Arthur called it), his fingers tapping away on the keyboard, adding and subtracting tags on Google. 'Come on, come on.' He murmurs under his breath. 'Something. Anything.' How was he supposed to protect Arthur when he didn't even know what was harming him?

'I hink I need a bath.' Arthur sniffs at his sleeve. 'How do we warm up the water for the tub?'

Merlin smiles and gets up. 'Come here.' He says to Arthur and leads the way to the bathroom.

'What are those?' The blond asks, pointing to the taps. 'I meant to ask earlier but I was too busy keeping my intestines from spilling out of my mouth.'

'This is where water comes from. Here.' Merlin takes Arthur's hand and places it on the tap. 'Twist it.' And Arthur does. Water flows freely and Arthur's eyes widen. He puts his hand under the steady flow and pulls it back quickly. 'It's hot!' He exclaims.

Merlin laughs. 'It's a new system of water. Pipes carry water to the required places and valves, levers and taps work those pipes, releasing the water when it's needed.'

'How does it become warm?'

'There are heating systems to make the water hot so we don't have to do it manually. Look there is a tap for cold water too.' Merlin points out. Arthur turns to face the tub.

'So we just turn the taps and water starts filling into the tub?'

'Pretty much.' Merlin grins, enjoying the feeling of knowing better than Arthur for a change. That and watching him become fascinated by such simple things. His reactions were rather interesting to watch. Merlin suppresses the sudden rush of affection he feels towards Arthur, failing miserably. So he just gives in and gazes at the blond turning taps curiously and examining the tub plug and its chain.

'For once I'll be able to have my bath at a perfect temperature, Merlin. No thanks to you of course.'

Merlin rolls his eyes. 'If you're looking for a quick bath then you can just take a shower.' He slides open the door of the glass cubicle.

'A shower?'

'Yeah its like… rain. Sort of.' He leans in and flips open the shower, wetting his clothes a bit in the process.

Arthur stands there in awe of the peculiar spray of water and then shakes his head. 'I'd like a long bath please. Helps me think.' He turns back to the gradually filling tub and tugs off the jacket. Merlin quickly shuffles out of the bathroom. 'I'll, um, bring you fresh towels.' He mumbles.

'Don't take too long.' Arthur calls back, his voice betraying tenseness and agitation at the thought of Merlin being in another room. 'Just sit in the room.'

As Merlin looks around the room, the wilting money plant catches his eye. Buck was in a bad condition and the warlock fretted for its well being. Arthur had the entire house in darkness because he refused to look out of the windows. Curtains were drawn firmly over anything that gave even the tiniest view of outside. The outside world made Arthur panicky and anxious. He felt completely left out and out of place. Even Merlin had not been able to comfort him enough to allow a few rays of sunlight into the apartment.

The warlock decided to take the doomed plant up to Jaden's place. He picks up his phone and dials the number quickly, cradling it between his shoulder and ear as he looked in the cupboard for clean towels. Jaden picks up on the second ring.

'Hello?'

'Hey Jay, its me. Listen I need a favor.'

'Sure, what is it?'

'Buck, my money plant? It isn't getting much sun at my place and I was wondering if I could drop it off to your place for a few days. Will that be okay?' He grabs a big white towel and closes the cupboard.

'Yeah mate, bring it over. Whats wrong with your place, though?'

Merlin searches for an explanation that won't sound crazy. Well you know Arthur? He is actually King Arthur from the legends and he has risen once more. And he isn't use to cars and pretty much most of the world freaks him out so we keep our windows covered.

'He has um agoraphobia.' Merlin mumbled. 'Arthur.'

'Oh. So he cant… Leave the house or anything?'

Merlin shakes his head and then remembers Jaden can't see him. 'No, but um, we're working on it. A therapist will start coming soon.'

'That's good. When will you be coming?'

'Right now, actually. Arthur is in the shower, I'll just drop by quickly, yeah?'

'See you then, mate.'

Merlin drops his phone onto the bed and knocks on Arthur's door. He frowns and then enters without waiting for permission.

'Since when have you started knocking Merlin?' Arthur sounds genuinely surprised and twists around to look at Merlin placing the towel on the edge of the bathtub.

'I don't know.' Merlin replies quietly. Arthur's eyes find Merlin's and the warlock sees a flicker of understanding and alarm in his eyes. An inaudible 'oh' leaves Arthur's lips. In those few moments, the excruciating past, aching present and the uncharted future surrounds them making the atmosphere heavy with melancholy.

_'We cant do this anymore Merlin.' Arthur said looking out of the window, not facing Merlin._

_The manservant didn't reply, images of stolen moments in the forest playing over and over in his head. The hasty tugging of clothes, the quick, desperate kisses along the hot skin, back pressed into the soft ground, the smell of damp grass mixed with Arthur's scent. The stifled moans and gasps as the prince worked him in ways he didn't know could feel so good._

_The few moments in Arthur's bed were slower and he was allowed more time to memorize and feel each and every little inch of the pale, muscular man. He left open mouthed kisses along the Arthur's jaw, his throat, all the way down to his belly until the prince couldn't take it anymore and captured Merlin's mouth with his own, licking into it and working his skilled fingers around Merlin's throbbing cock until he would cry out Arthur's name like it was the only word he knew._

_'Merlin, I said we can't do this anymore.' Arthur repeated, turning around to face his most loyal friend, his face unreadable._

_'Okay.' Merlin replied. He had always known this would be coming sooner or later. He has just been naïve enough to hope that maybe, just maybe they could- No. He was just delusional._

_Arthur's eyes widened at Merlin's reply. All the defenses he had put up, the reasons he had thought of to give Merlin, the logical explanations, justify himself, all in response to Merlin's possible reactions, left his head. He had prepared for anger, protest, hurt, questioning. But not direct acceptance. This was harder to bear._

_'Merlin,' He whispered tugging him closer by his tunic and he tumbled forward into Arthur's arms. The prince breathed into his hair, neck, kissing it softly. 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm-'_

_'Don't.' Merlin mumbled forcing his body to pull away instead of melting into Arthur._

_Arthur's features twisted into a pained expression. 'I don't have a choice- I… Merlin I swear to you that I love-'_

_'Don't say it.' Merlin said horrified._

_The prince ran fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. '_I need you too, Merlin_… But we- Father, he will have you thrown out. I can't let that happen. I-' He wanted to say so many things but he knew that all of them put together wouldn't make this any easier or justified. 'the people of Camelot wont accept-'_

_'I know.' Merlin said, his voice shaking. 'Your job is to be the greatest king the world has ever known.'_

_Arthur frowned. 'What?'_

_'It's not my destiny,' Merlin whispered more to himself than Arthur. 'You're right. We can't.' With that he turned around and fled the chambers of the prince of Camelot, ignoring his calls. Tears streamed down his face and he wiped them away furiously, making his way to the place where he believed some answer lay. Maybe confirmation of what he had already just stated to Arthur._

Arthur turns around and slides deeper into the tub, foam touching his chin. Merlin notices Arthur's white knuckles as his fingers clutch the sides of the tub tightly. He feels he will suffocate if he stays a moments longer and stumbles hurriedly out of the bathroom.

_'Not many will accept a king who shares a bed with another man, young warlock.'_

He grabs buck from beneath the window and the apartment keys from the table.

_'It is your destiny to help Arthur bring Albion into being, Merlin.'_

He slams the door shut behind him and pokes the button of the elevator over and over, trying to breathe normally. The doors ping open and the button for floor twenty becomes the next victim of Merlin's finger violence. The newly married couple gives him an alarmed look and shuffles to the other side of the lift.

Merlin slims his finger into Jaden's bell and keeps it there till the door is opened.

'Bloody hell mate, you look like you could use a drink.' Is Jaden's greeting as Merlin strides inside, placing Buck on the closest window.

'You could say that.'

'Have a seat.' Jay waves his hand lazily in the direction of the couch. There is already a bottle of expensive scotch sitting on the table. Jaden pours it out in two glasses and hands one to Merlin.

'What's got your knickers in a twist then?'

'It's nothing.' Merlin mumbles, taking a large sip and sitting down.

'Oh come on, you can tell me.' Jaden sits down beside him and places his glass on the table.

Merlin sighs. 'We sort of, um, had a fight.'

'Blimey, are you sure he isn't your boyfriend?'

The warlock frowns. 'Yes I'm pretty sure.' He says curtly and downs the remaining drink in one go, feeling his head getting heavy and his thinking hazy.

'Well let's get your mind off your friend then, yeah? How is your writing going?'

'Actually I feel a bit dizzy...' the glass slips from the long fingers and Merlin barely registers the loud sound of it hitting the floor. His head is spinning, dulling his senses. He falls back on the couch, squinting at a blurred Jaden watching him, saying something. He catches a few words. 'Drugged' is one of them.

* * *

_**Well I feel mean, leaving Merlin in peril like that.**_

_**Enjoyed it? Hated it? Please let me know in the reviews :D**_

_**xoxo**_


	3. Chapter 3

**_A/N: Thank you for your lovely reviews! They are what keeps me going :3_**

**_I'm sorry this update was so delayed; I've been going through a bunch of personal problems which have left me a wreck._**

**_Also for the guest who asked, yes the ones in italics are flashbacks :)_**

* * *

_'Sire, I have prepared your clothes for tomorrow.' Merlin said, closing the cupboard and turning around. Arthur nodded and their eyes locked, the silence lengthening. Arthur was sitting on the table. In front of him sat the bowl of fruits the manservant had left for the king because his dinner had gone untouched. Merlin dropped his gaze to his shoes. 'Do you need anything else, my lord?'_

_Another pause._

_'No.' Said Arthur, almost a whisper. He cleared his throat and got up. Merlin started to leave but stopped just before the door._

_'I, uh,' he hesitated. 'I never did get the chance to congratulate you.'_

_'Don't.' Said Arthur too quickly, his heart beating faster. 'I mean, congratulate me tomorrow after the wedding.'_

_Merlin looked up, searching Arthur's eyes for something. Something to force him out that door. Something to make him stop being in love with Arthur. 'She makes you happy, doesn't she. Gwen.'_

_Arthur didn't trust himself to open his mouth. He nodded instead, desperate words dying on his tongue._

_'I just want you to be happy.' Merlin murmured, swallowing a few times to keep himself from falling apart, begging Arthur to choose him and call off the wedding. Arthur watched Merlin's Adam's apple bob in his throat and tried hard not to wonder if the skin there tasted the same that it had a few years ago._

_He had really thought they had moved on._

_It had been extremely hard to get used to the absence of Merlin's warm body against his own. The way Merlin would smooth out the creases on Arthur's forehead when he was tensed about something he had not even voiced. But somehow Merlin looked right into Arthur's thoughts through his eyes._

_Once such time was when Agravaine had disclosed his opinion about Arthur taking Guinevere as his wife. What if his uncle was right?_

_'The people of Camelot will welcome your decision, Arthur.' Merlin had said as he made Arthur's bed. 'You will be making one of them your wife. They will feel you are one of them rather than someone who is superior and powerful. They will feel you treat them as equals.'_

_'I never thought of it like that.' Arthur had replied, slightly taken aback by the point of view Merlin held. It really made a lot of sense. And whether he admitted it out loud or not, Merlin's opinion often mattered to him greatly. The statement removed any doubts Arthur had and led him to the choice he made._

_'How did you know what I was worried about?' Arthur had asked later._

_'It's easy to guess what a dollop head is thinking.' Merlin had shrugged in response and that had been it. Arthur knew Merlin had moved on too._

_I miss you Merlin, Arthur thought now as he looked at Merlin's scruffy appearance after the day's work. His hair was messier than usual and Arthur resisted the urge to reach out and smooth it down._

_'Arthur? Are you nervous about tomorrow?' Merlin asked. The King realized he had been staring for a few moments now and felt blood filling his cheeks._

_'Nervous? No. I don't get nervous. What's there to be nervous about?' Arthur huffed and sat back down. 'I don't think I'll be wearing these shoes tomorrow, Merlin. Take out my new leather shoes, will you?'_

_Merlin rolled his eyes and sighed, walking back to the cupboard._

_'When will you learn to respect the king, Merlin?'_

_'When he stops being such a prat.'_

_Arthur didn't reply. Instead he watched Merlin's long fingers rub his shoes with a rag cloth._

_It was when he had seen Tristen holding Isolde in his arms as she took her last few breathes that he saw himself and Merlin in them. The truth punched Arthur hard in the gut and the air rushed out of his lungs. The truth he had denied and buried at the back of his mind._

_He panicked._

_He forced himself to see sense._

_He calmed down._

_He moved strategically._

_He proposed to Guinevere._

_He didn't give a chance to the newly recovered feelings to register fully in his system and over lapped them with new feelings instead._

_So this was it. He was going to wed Guinevere tomorrow. After that, she would be with him on most occasions and in his room every night. He felt irked for a few moments. As much as he loved Guinevere, he liked being alone in his room sometimes. Now he would never get that solitude he wished for occasionally, so he could think about different matters in the comfort of his bed. He didn't have to worry about someone asking him what he was thinking about. Guinevere had the habit of giving him a smile you would give a small child and ask him what was on his mind. It could be quite frustrating._

_He felt trapped, suffocated. There was no turning back._

_Merlin pushed his hair off his face and continued to polish the shoes, his eyebrows drawn together in concentration. Arthur smiled. I have never minded Merlin's presence though. The king breathed in sharply. The thought had caught him off guard._

_'There.' Merlin dropped the shoes next to Arthur's bed. 'Satisfied, your royal pratness?' he turned to face said pratness and gave a crooked grin._

_'One more night.' Arthur blurted out before he could stop himself. 'One last night, Merlin.' He got up._

_The grin slipped off Merlin's face and he took a step back, his heart racing. 'What?'_

_Arthur closed the distance between them, slipping his hands to Merlin's waist. 'Please, just once more.' He whispered, terrified of what Merlin would say. 'I know that… its unfair of me to ask but… You don't have to say yes. I- Its fine if you refuse. Really. I just-'_

_'You said we couldn't.' Merlin said, not meeting Arthur's eyes. His words had a more bitter tone than he had intended._

_Arthur winced, but recovered quickly. 'I know. I know I did. But not because I don't-' He stopped, struggling for words, an explanation. 'Not because I didn't need you Merlin.' He rested his forehead gently against the manservant's, not daring to breathe._

_'You love Gwen.' The dark haired boy mumbled._

_'I'm- I'm not _in_ love with her.'_

_Merlin looked up; his wide eyes met Arthur's._

_The gaze held for a couple of moments before Merlin's eyelids slid shut as Arthur carefully placed his lips on Merlin's, one hand pulling him closer and the other cupping his cheek gently._

_Their lips were unmoving, only placed on one another's. Their breathing stopped, as did hearts. The world stilled around them._

_And Arthur felt complete, scared and over whelmed all at once. Afraid to move a muscle yet wanting to love Merlin in every possible way. That feeling he had of something constantly missing vanished. He wanted to whisper comforts into Merlin's ear and tell him they would never be apart again._

But he couldn't lie.

_No. He couldn't do this. He wasn't going to make Merlin and himself go through this. It was wrong._

But then Merlin kissed back.

_His fingers clutched Arthur's clothes and fisted in his hair, his lips pressing more firmly against the king's. The need in Merlin's desperate kiss, Arthur realized, was a reflection of his own._

And then he couldn't let go.

_So he pressed Merlin against the wall and bit his lower lip gently and then harder because he couldn't stop himself. The manservant whimpered softly but tugged at the hem of Arthur's shirt. A low growl rumbled in his throat as Merlin broke the kiss gently. The offending shirts came off hastily._

_'I missed you.' Arthur breathed against Merlin's neck before kissing his way down it, nibbling, lips parted, trying to concentrate on Merlin's moans at the same time. His teeth grazed a nipple, coaxing another muffled groan from the manservant. _

_Every touch fueled the fierce need for Merlin he had ignored for so long and he could feel it catching up with him. The strength of it terrified him for tomorrow. But he couldn't think about that now._

_Everything else disappeared into the background._

_Arthur's fingers fumbled with the laces of Merlin's breeches and he dropped to his knees, pulling them down with him till the ankles._

_Merlin's breath caught as Arthur planted soft kisses along his inner thigh. He bit his lip, nails digging into his palms. The blond wrapped his lips around the top of Merlin's cock and the warlock felt as if he had gained everything and lost everything._

_'Arthur-' He gasped out, struggling to control the volume. His legs trembled. 'Damn-'_

_Arthur sucked experimentally before taking in more slowly. He had never done this before. Merlin thrust forward his hips involuntarily, head tilted back, breath coming in quick, short, gasps. Arthur's hand pinned his waist against the wall as he sucked slowly at first and then his head was bobbing at a rapid pace._

_Merlin's fingers fisted in Arthur's hair, his mouth open and dry._

_'Don't- Don't stop-' he choked out as the king brought him closer to an orgasm with every second. Arthur's jaw hurt a bit but he kept going until Merlin was hot inside his mouth. He swallowed but choked a bit, not used to it. He rested his forehead against Merlin's thigh, catching his breath. They stayed like that for a few seconds before the warlock pushed off his shoes and breeches and slid down, sitting beside the king, nuzzling his nose into Arthur's neck, his hand palming the rock hard bulge under the leather bottoms. He left wet, sucking kisses over Arthur's jaw, greedy and eager._

_The blond moaned, pushing into Merlin's hand impatiently. The warlock slipped his hand beneath the waistband and curved his fingers around Arthur's cock, starting to stroke him._

_And Merlin still remembered exactly the way Arthur liked it. Stifled mumbles of 'Merlin, yes, just_ there_' were whispered filthily in his ear. But every time he would be close to the peak, Merlin would slow down, just to hear those frustrated grunts of need and want for him._

_'Please Merlin, just let me- _Oh_-'_

_The manservant increased the pace until Arthur spurted onto his hand, eyes rolling back into his head. Merlin tugged off the bottoms and cleaned them both up with his tunic. His fingers traced the body before him, feeling each familiar inch, need still not satisfied._

_'Bed.' Arthur whispered hoarsely. 'Need you in bed.'_

_It was a hurried scramble for the king's bed, limbs tangled in each other beneath the silk sheets. They kissed and they kissed until the lips were swollen._

_Arthur sucked and bit any part of Merlin's skin he could, to leave angry, red marks which would later turn blue, aching with each movement the man made, reminding him of this night._

_Arthur couldn't get enough of the smooth skin, the gangly limbs and the short gasps. He felt dizzy, intoxicated by Merlin. His damn scent-_

_He buried his nose into Merlin's hair, holding him against his chest. He stroked his back slowly, not missing Merlin's quiet sigh. They were silent for a few moments, just holding each other. Arthur rested his chin on the other man's head, discomfort seeping in. As much as he tried to ignore it, the thought of tomorrow would not leave his head._

_'Stop it.' Merlin murmured quietly._

_'Stop what?' Arthur responded, startled._

_'I can hear you thinking. Don't. Please.'_

_He could hear the silent plea in Merlin's voice but he didn't know how to put a stop to his thoughts. 'Merlin what if-'_

_Merlin pressed his lips firmly to Arthur's, successfully invading his thoughts and consuming them._

_The sky had started to turn a faint pink just as Arthur finally fell asleep in Merlin's arms. He wasn't awake to hear muffled sniffling. He wasn't awake to see the tears dampening the pillow. He wasn't awake to feel the soft kiss Merlin planted on his forehead before hurriedly putting on his clothes. The warlock left Arthur to wake up to an empty bed and a hollow heart. _

* * *

_Merlin watched Gwen walk up the aisle, her flawless dress flowing behind her. A small smile dancing on her lips, she kneeled before Arthur._

_ The king looked around the room as he spoke, loud and steady. His eyes carefully looked everywhere except at Merlin. 'By the sacred laws vested in me, I crown you: Guinevere,' He placed the crown softly on her head, 'Queen of Camelot.' Merlin watched as she looked up, smiling, and their eyes met. Arthur held out his hands with fondness in his eyes and hers slipped in them, fitting perfectly. She stood up, stepping up onto the platform and leaned into him. Their lips touched._

_ Merlin stood paralyzed, breath caught in his throat. He swallowed over and over and tried to breathe more easily._

I want to be Arthur's. Why can't I be?

_ Gwen was the first to pull back and break the kiss gently._

Why was she the first?

_Merlin knew he sounded like a child but he couldn't care._

_ The king and queen turned to face everyone else. Arthur held her hand and raised it. 'Long live the queen!'_

_'Long live the queen!' The entire room echoed._

_'Long live the queen!' Merlin said as loudly as he could, his body trembling._

_'Long live the queen!'_

_Merlin had fallen._

* * *

A searing pain shoots up Merlin's fingers and he sits up, trying to pull his arm away (unsuccessfully) from whatever is squishing it. He blinks, trying to make out his surroundings but it's all a blur. A groan leaves his throat, result of the unbearable throbbing of his head.

'Morgouse… Not her… Please…'

Merlin murmurs a spell with his dry mouth and his vision clears. His hand is gripped tightly by Arthur's fingers, knuckles white. He is sitting on a chair right beside Merlin's bed, bent forward, head rested on the mattress.

_Another nightmare_, Merlin thinks. 'Wake up,' He croaks, reaching out to touch the pale golden hair. A wave of nausea hits him and he collapses back onto the bed.

And then Arthur is screaming and screaming. Merlin sits up and shakes him vigorously, yelling his name. Panicked, he whispers a spell and his eyes glow gold. Suddenly everything is silent except Arthur's rapid breathing. 'I remember,' he mumbles, raising his head. 'I remember.' His eyes flutter open, grip tightening further on Merlin's hand.

'What? Remember what, Arthur?' Merlin asks, placing the free hand on the blonde's forehead and letting his magic flow out. It seeps into Arthur, caressing every inch and calming his mind as much as possible. He sooths him, and it's all painfully familiar to Merlin. He had done it countless times for the king of Camelot when he was stressed.

Only this time, it didn't work like it had worked before. Something was stopping his magic; the barrier that Merlin was unable to penetrate.

He removes his hand, biting his lip. How is he supposed to protect Arthur? Something is wrong and he does not know what.

'Stay close,' Arthur whispers shakily, his body shivering. 'Just stay close, Merlin. I get better when you are close.' He clutched Merlin's fingers with both hands, rubbing circles in the back of his hand with a thumb. 'Stay close.' He mumbles over and over until Merlin pulls him into bed beside him and holds him close. His eyes fall on the Excalibur lying on the floor, the blade soaked in blood. A surge of panic takes over his mind until he remembers Arthur was not physically damaged when he tried to calm him down through magic.

'What do you remember?' He asks Arthur softly.

'I remember. What- what happened after I died, Merlin.'

* * *

**_More explanations will be coming in the next chapter! Please review and give me your feedback and I shall reward you with cookies with Merlin and Arthur's face on them :D_**

**Okay thats a lie. I'm despicable.**

**But reveiw anyway please? :3**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Hey guys :3 How is each and every one of you lovely readers?_**

**_Thank you for the reviews. They cheer me up a lot and reviews are one of the things that I look forward to most, even if its criticism._**

**_I think this chapter will explain some things._**

**_Also I'm Mcdonald's mcflurry oreo! Oh glorious ice cream!_**

**_Enjoy and review :3_**

* * *

'What happened after you died?' Merlin asks distractedly, still looking at the crimson liquid covering the silver of the Excalibur. His head clears and then it all comes back to him. He had passed out at Jaden's hadn't he? He tried to remember what happened but the memory is hazy. 'Arthur, who's blood is that? On your sword?'

Arthur twists to look at it and then turns back to face Merlin. 'That's what I'm trying to tell you.' He whispers. Merlin stares at him in confusion. Arthur continues in an unsteady tone. 'I- I don't remember everything clearly. I remember passing out endless times. They would wake me up when it was needed.'

'They who? Where? How?' Merlin asks, his eyes piercing the other's.

'I don't know, I never saw them properly. They were dressed in dark cloaks which obscured their faces. I was put in a room after I was woken. I only saw two of them at a time. Their voices were different but I could never tell whether they were male or female. Then they would-' Arthur breaks off and inhales sharply.

'What Arthur?'

'They said it was because I was the Once and Future King. They had to do it if I were to serve Albion once more. Merlin they…' He hesitates. 'They passed souls through me. Through my body.'

_'They passed souls through you?' _Merlin asks in disbelief. '_How_?'

Arthur closes his eyes and rubs his forehead with his fingers. 'I don't know Merlin. There were souls, good ones and bad ones. The truly evil ones were passed through me countless times. _It was excruciating pain Merlin. _I would scream and scream for hours until my throat wouldn't allow me to anymore. There was Morgana's soul, Morgouse's, Nimueh's, so many people that we knew. They were screeching and wailing. I wanted to die, but I was already dead, Merlin. They would do it over and over until I thought I would lose my mind.'

'Why?' Merlin whispers hoarsely, eyes wide. 'Why did they do that to you?'

'So that I could sense them. Sense good and evil. My body, my mind, it learned to feel and sense it all. In the last few days that I was there, I could feel the souls around me. They were not in the room with me. But I could tell where the wicked ones lay and where the good ones were contained.'

'I don't- I don't understand.' The warlock stares at Arthur's furrowed brow and smoothes it out gently and begins to stroke his hair, letting the magic calm him down a bit so that he can explain more clearly.

'Jaden,' Arthur says. 'I knew his intentions weren't good. I can sense better with physical contact. When I touched his hand, I knew for sure there was something wrong with him.

'He poisoned you. I thought you died-' His voice breaks, stabbing Merlin's heart. The warlock holds Arthur's face in his hands gently. 'I'm okay. I won't die. I-I was only drugged.' He says, wiping the single tear that trickles down Arthur's cheek. The blond pulls away and turns his head hastily, staring at the curtain.

'How did you- how did you know how to find me?'

'I told you,' Arthur says without looking at him. 'I can feel it inside me. It's how you would look at a person's expression and be able to tell whether they are happy or sad or angry. I can feel the soul. I can sense where they are. I just had to follow that. I could sense you. I was in the tub and I realized you weren't in the house anymore. I didn't understand why you would leave me alone like that, without telling me.' Arthur's voice betrayed a hint of hurt. Merlin feels a surge of guilt but stays quiet and lets him continue.

'I concentrated on you. You were easy to sense and I was so busy concentrating on you that I didn't notice the people around you. But then I felt _him_ near you. I could feel it. He was about to do something. And then, I could tell something had gone wrong. Your soul, it was dulled. I just put on the clothes I had taken off and rushed out with my sword. I kept climbing and climbing the stairs. When I finally found the house, I had to kick down the door. There were two people. Jaden and one other person. They were- they were getting rid of your clothes. I just… I just saw your body and I couldn't even think, Merlin.' Arthur tries to control the rage in his voice. 'How_ dare_ they even _touch_-' He breaks off and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm himself.

'So that blood is-'

'Theirs. Yes.'

'They're dead?' Merlin asked slowly.

'Jaden was still breathing when I left with you.'

Merlin wants to pay more attention to the 'left with you' part but _Arthur had killed one, probably two people. _He takes a deep breath. 'Arthur, we cant kill people like that in this time. The police-' He struggles to explain. 'The rulers of the country do not allow it. The police are the guards. They are supposed to be informed. If someone is murdered, they investigate and the murderer is brought to trial.'

'Merlin they were about to rape you-'

'I know. I know.' Merlin says gently. 'Thank you for saving me.' He blushes slightly. 'Come on, we have to see the situation up there and possibly get rid of the bodies.' He tries to calm his nerves and gets up.

'_Why?_' Arthur asks stubbornly.

'Because this isn't Camelot, Arthur. The rules here are different. I know that you did what you think is right. I know that. But when people find out, the police will be all over the place. They will question everyone. And we have to live here. We wont be the only ones affected by these deaths. We must keep things in order.'

'Hide behind lies?' Arthur frowns. 'I'm not a _coward_, Merlin. I'll tell the guards what happened. I didn't kill an innocent man. I am not wrong. I will face a trial.'

'No, you don't understand.' Merlin says, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. 'This was not a crime serious enough for their murders to be justified. They hadn't even- started with me yet.'

'Only because I showed up and killed them before they could do anything!' Arthur shouts, getting up too.

The warlock takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. _'You've got to trust me, Arthur. Do you trust me?'_

'I trust you.' The blond replies quietly, after a pause.

* * *

A musty smell enters Merlin's nostrils as they enter the apartment. His fingers fumble for the switch and the room is bathed in soft yellow light. Broken glass, overturned furniture and blood.

Merlin swears softly when he sees Jaden's body on the floor in a pool of blood. It's lying in an awkward position, eyes glassy and unseeing. A black eye and a bloody lip cause Merlin to inhale sharply. He doesn't know how to feel. He had known Jaden for a few years and they had been friendly neighbors. But he hadn't been what Merlin thought he was. The warlock still had not been able to overcome the weakness that had contributed to so many mistakes. Looking for good in everyone.

Merlin crouches beside the body and places his hand above the heart.

'What are you doing?' Arthur asks.

'Not something I'm proud of.' Merlin says in a strained voice and sighs softly before muttering a familiar spell. He repeats it with the body of Jaden's friend which lay a few paces from Jaden. Another spell follows and the bodies burst into flames, reducing to ashes before their eyes. Merlin flicked his fingers in the direction of the remains and they fly up, spinning together once before fluttering out the window into the cold night.

When they leave, the apartment is as if no one has lived there for years.

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'We are running out of food, Arthur.' Merlin closes the fridge with a sigh.

'We can get take away. I love take away. How about the boonies from Donald's?' Arthur says excitedly.

'Burgers from McDonald's,' Merlin corrects him with a smile.

'Yes, those.' The blond frowns and picks up Merlin's phone, unlocking it. 'This is brilliant. You can communicate with people through the air. Quite magnificent.'

Merlin laughs. 'It is, isn't it?' He takes it from Arthur and orders their food, making sure to order the milkshake Arthur loves so much. 'You don't have any clothes.' he says while they wait for the food. He watches Arthur try to work the laptop.

'I don't need them. The washing machine does a fine job.' Arthur's eyes dart across the screen with the pacman.

'You cant wear the same clothes forever, Arthur.' Merlin insists.

'I'm the king, Merlin. You cant tell me what to do.'

'I always tell you what to do.'

'Idiot.'

'Clotpole.'

'Shut up _Mer_lin! I'm trying to eat the blue ghosts and you're distracting me.'

Merlin rolls his eyes and rests his head on the arm of the couch. 'You cant stay inside forever.'

Arthur ignores him.

'You don't have to be scared-'

'I'm not scared!' Arthur replies, looking flustered. The pink ghosts reaches pacman, eliminating it. 'I'm just not used to it, that's all.'

'I'll be with you the whole time,' Merlin says softly.

'Cant you just get a take away of clothes like you can get of food?'

That night Merlin orders some t-shirts online.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Hi lovelies! So I thought I'd keep this chapter a bit on the light side except I only succeeded a little bit? I don't know, I'll let you guys decide. Let me know in the reviews, please?**

**Also if you guys are sad or upset or something go this website, it's so much fun! Also relaxing: weavesilk . com (i'm not advertising or anything, its just when you're upset because it relaxes me so I hope it helps you too :3 )**

**And if I made any mistakes in the chapter, do tell me!**

**Also, I think some words of Mernisha's sweet review got deleted somehow? Or not?**

**Thanks a lot for your reviews! :3**

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'I fixed the telly.' Merlin says feeling quite proud of himself.

'Telly?' Arthur says through a mouthful of beef burger. Merlin grins.

The television had been broken since Merlin had forgotten to close the window and the rain got to it, around a year back. He had never bothered to get it repaired because he hardly ever watched it. Most of his news came through the internet and the soap operas didn't really interest him. He wanted Arthur to ease into the new world in some way and the telly seemed like a good idea. He had dismissed the thought of calling a repairman because Arthur might have another one of his… episodes. Staying in is good, Merlin decides. For now.

Unfortunately his magic couldn't figure out how to fix it but Merlin managed it himself, eventually, electrocuting himself a few times during the process.

He drags Arthur to the other room and chucks the remote at him. 'Here. Point that at the black thing you see there.' Merlin wriggles his finger vaguely in the said direction. 'And press a button.'

Arthur does as he is told and jumps back as BBC comes on announcing a controversial statement by a politician of some country. The remote slips out of his hands as Arthur stares. 'Are- Are there _people_ trapped in there?' He asks, horrified.

Merlin snorts. 'No, you dollop-head. It's like moving paintings. Technology.' He picks up the remote and hands it back to Arthur.

'The invention… thing?'

'Yes like the wheel and so on? Remember we talked about it? Here, let me show you.' Merlin fishes out his phone from his trousers and opens the camcorder. 'Look, you can see me.' He points the lens at himself and waves.

'You're in it!' Arthur exclaims. Merlin stops the recording and plays the video. 'You caught a memory,' the blond whispers in amazement. Merlin looks away from the screen and up at Arthur's astonished expression. He feels a sudden rush of fondness for him.

'Yeah,' he smiles. 'We caught a memory.'

And then he realizes it. There wasn't a Camelot anymore. There was no kingdom that needed a king or people to be looked after. There were no knights or Guinevere or wars and no land to protect.

Its Arthur and Merlin. And Merlin doesn't have to share Arthur's attention with anybody.

'So you caught memories and put them in the telly?' Arthur presses different buttons on the remote eagerly.

'No, not me. You remember how we used to have plays to watch in Camelot? Its like that. People act out things and they are recorded. Instead of going and watching the plays, people can watch them in the comfort of their own home.'

'we used to watch it in the comforts of our own home.' He says frowning at a toaster commercial.

'only because you were rich, the villagers would gather in one place.'

Arthur barely pays attention and flips through more channels instead. The doorbell rings. 'I'll get that.' Merlin says.

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'_Mer_lin I look ridiculous!'

'You look fine. This is what people wear now.'

'Why do we have to dress up like them?' Arthur pouts and pulls at his red t shirt uncomfortably while staring at his reflection in the mirror.

'To be normal?' Merlin rolls his eyes.

'We don't have to be normal. I can wear my armor and you can wear your scarf. _I miss your scarf_.'

'I- Uh. Try this one.' He hands Arthur a dinner white shirt quickly. He flushes at the sight of the tuxedo on the bed. He had gotten just a bit carried away with online shopping. And Arthur's clothes. He had tried hard to stop himself from clicking on the tux icon but the thought of Arthur in a tux wouldn't leave his mind. It seemed harmless enough. What was wrong with admiring a man in a fine, black tuxedo? It didn't mean that he would sleep with Arthur or, uh anything like that. Besides what if the prat needed formal attire for an emergency? Exactly. _Click._

'This is stupid!' Arthur growls. Merlin looks up and bursts out laughing. Arthur's buttons are in the wrong holes, leaving two left at the top.

'You cant even do buttons properly.' He gets up and starts to undo them.

'Its not my fault this century has stupid clothes and…' Arthur trails off.

'What?' Merlin smirks and looks up to find Arthur staring right at him. Breath catches in his chest and his fingers pause at the last button of the shirt just above Arthur's navel.

'Nothing,' the blond replies softly. Merlin looks away hastily.

'This is formal wear. For parties and such.' He mumbles, working his fingers clumsily, correcting the buttons.

'Okay.'

He gives Arthur the trousers and turns his back, pretending to admire the fine lapel of the coat. He can hear the once and future king struggling with the zip but he doesn't ask for Merlin's help.

'Hah. I have conquered you, petty breeches.' Arthur says triumphantly. 'What's next?'

'A waistcoat.' The warlock holds it up for him. His face falls.

'More buttons.'

'Go on, you can do it. Or can you, King Arthur?' Merlin cocks his head a bit and raises an eyebrow.

'Give me that!' Arthur snatches it with a frown and sticks arms through and fumbles with the buttons.

'The coat's next.'

'How many parts does this have? Having so many should be against the law.' Arthur pulls it on and fixes it. 'Are we done?'

'Not quite.' Merlin picks up the purple tie and slips it around Arthur's neck. 'I don't think you'll learn to tie a neck tie so quickly. Let me get it this time.'

His fingers slip over the silky surface, looping and sliding the ends.

'And what purpose does a necktie fulfill?' Arthur asks softly and his breath tickles Merlin's cheek.

'Quite useless, actually. More of a decoration. It exists to look beautiful.' Merlin secures the tie, buttons the single breasted coat and steps back to admire the perfection that is Arthur. He exhales slowly. Suits came into existence because Arthur would wear them one day.

'A bit like you then, these neck ties?' the blonde's eyes sparkle with amusement, the corners of his lips turned up in a teasing smirk.

Merlin swallows and laughs nervously. 'a bit.' He nods at the mirror and Arthur turns around to look at himself, allowing Merlin to quickly wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans. 'Though I'll have to disagree slightly with the useless bit since you cant even feed yourself without me.'

'I am perfectly capable of eating on my own. This is fantastic, Merlin!'

'It should be. Finest that money can buy.'

'Is it? And where did you get the money from?' Arthur traces fingers over the tie.

Merlin rolls his eyes. 'I have a job you know.'

'You do?' Arthur looks at him wide eyed. 'But you haven't left the house since I got here.'

'Well that's because I'm an author. I write children's books. I can do that from my home.'

'You write books for children? What do you put in them?'

'Um.' Merlin hesitates. 'Just stories for children.'

'Why haven't I seen these books?' Arthur frowns and walks to the bookshelf.

_Because I put them in a box and hid them in the closet. _Merlin thinks. 'Arthur you really need to take that off now.' He says instead.

'What? Take this off? Of course not. I like it.'

'You cant wear it in the house!'

'I'm the king Merlin, you cant tell me what to do. When will you learn that?'

'I always tell you what to do.'

'I don't always listen, do I?'

'Only because you're an arrogant prat and don't know what's right for you.' Merlin huffs and starts to fold up the rest of the tee shirts.

'Glad that's settled. Now show me your books.'

'No!'

'Why not?' Arthur stops going through the books and turns to look at Merlin.

'Because… I just-' Merlin mumbles, struggling for an excuse.

'I wont take no for an answer.'

Merlin gives a frustrated sigh and flops onto the bed. Arthur was going to see them sooner or later. Why not just get it over with? He raises a hand and points weakly in the direction of the closet. 'The adventures of Merlin and Arthur.' He whispers to himself softly as Arthur opens the closet.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Hello beautiful people. I know this chapter has been looong over due but my laptop broke and I have lots of studying to do and a story to give to this editor. I'm so sorry!**

**Even right now I'm up at 4am to finish this chapter!**

**Please review because those are super motivating and I can really invest myself into the story.**

**Since my laptop got screwed, I felt there should be a place where I can update you on the fic and that's on my tumblr: blackforthesakeofsanity . tumblr . com (sorry about the spaces, i dont think fanfiction allows links but you can also find my tumblr on my profile.). Click the fic updates link on my navigation cloud thing (hover over the The Fault In Our Stars clouds)**

**I'll keep my progress updated there!**

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'Arthur! Unlock this door.' Merlin bangs his fist on the closet door.

'Go away. I'll come out when I'm done reading the books.'

'They are silly children's books. Why would you want to read them? You've seen them, isn't that enough?'

'No.'

'Arthuuuur.' Merlin whines. Miserably. When there is still no reply after several attempts, Merlin sighs and scuffles to the kitchen to make himself a rich, chocolate milkshake. And none for Arthur, he pouts.

The Adventures of Merlin and Arthur series was about two children around the age of seven. Merlin and Arthur became neighbors when Merlin first shifted next to Arthur's place. He was watching the cute blond child playing with his shiny red ball with a few other friends when they spotted him and said his hair was funny. Merlin ran back into his house and didn't come out for the next few days. The next time they met, Arthur was alone and offered his ball as an apology. In a few days they became inseparable. It was when they caught snatches of a movie about King Arthur and his court sorcerer Merlin that their games of pretend began in the cardboard castle they built together in Arthur's backyard.

They went on quests, rescued princesses and fought wars alongside brave knights and killed ugly trolls. A lot of credit went to his illustrator, Evan, who made the colorful pictures of their adventures.

Merlin feels a surge of guilt when he thinks of Evan. Endless unanswered calls and ignored text messages plagued Merlin's phone. He glances at the intimidating object as he sips the hot liquid. Picking it up from the kitchen counter, he shoves it in one of the cabinets and reasons with himself. Arthur had come back, for God's sake. He didn't have time for other people right now.

Arthur.

Merlin's tummy does another flip as he thinks of Arthur in the closet with his books. He hears the door click open and debates going inside, eventually deciding to wait till Arthur came to him.

'Merlin?'

'In the kitchen,' Merlin responds, ignoring his hammering heart. He grips the mug tighter than needed.

'He moves away, at the end of the last book.' Arthur says , entering the kitchen. 'Arthur.'

Merlin nods and shrugs. Arthur and his family had moved away in the last book. They had promised to be best friends, painting their initials on a tree in Arthur's backyard, the day Arthur's family left.

'It was when I died, wasn't it.' Arthur stares at the book in his hand. He isn't really expecting an answer and Merlin doesn't give him one. He doesn't need to. He sets down his mug and takes Arthur's hand. 'Come with me.'

'Where?'

Merlin ducks into the bedroom and grabs the folded blanket before hurrying them out again and unbolting the front door.

'Merlin-' Arthur begins, his body going rigid. Merlin turns around.

'Arthur.' He says firmly. 'Do you trust me?'

Fearful blue eyes find the warm blue ones and Arthur nods slowly. Merlin's lips curl up into a smile and he tugs a reluctant Arthur out the door. The blond fidgets as they wait for the elevator and is unnaturally still once inside it, hands pressed to the wall, holding himself steady and alarmed eyes darting from place to place.

'Do you want to press the button?' Merlin tilts his head to the left slightly and points. Arthur presses down a finger over the silver circle cautiously and holds it there. The doors ping close and the panicky feeling rises.

'You can let it go now, Arthur.' Merlin grins. Arthur snatches his hand back, blushing furiously and mumbling something about 'new to this.'

'You remember how elevators work right?' The warlock asks and gets a nod from Arthur.

The doors open into a small grey room with stairs leading down on the left. The doors ping closed and the soft rumble indicates the elevator is going back down. The ground is cold beneath their bare feet. Merlin walks to a white door at the end of the room and pulls it open. A gush of cold wind causes Arthur to wrap his arms around himself. Merlin unfolds the blanket and tosses it over him and tugs him out onto the roof.

'We're on the top.' Merlin beams, walking toward the parapet and gazing down, standing on his toes even thought the wall is till his chest. Arthur follows, a gasp leaving his lips. 'It's beautiful.' He whispers, taking in the glittering lights scattered over the dark night, as far as they can see. It's quiet, with no traffic on the streets.

Merlin watches him fondly, a small smile on his lips. 'See its not that bad.' He says softly.

'No, its not.' Arthur agrees, unable to tear his eyes away.

They stand there in silence for a while, looking at the sleeping world that surrounds them until Merlin starts to shiver, letting out small huffs of breath.

'Idiot.' Arthur mutters and wraps his blanket around Merlin's gangly body. The warlock fidgets, ducking his head slightly. Arthur wraps an arm around his waist. 'Keep still. I need to ask you something.'

'No we're not ordering another milkshake, you clotpole.' Merlin's grin falters when he doesn't even get a small smile in reply. 'What is it?' He asks, his heart hammering.

'You were the old sorcerer who came to heal my father on his deathbed.' Arthur says quietly.

Merlin's body tenses up against Arthur's as he hastens to explain what had happened. 'Y-yes Arthur, but I swear to you I did nothing to harm him, I meant to make him well and I have no clue what happened and-'

'Calm down Merlin,' Arthur cuts in and turns to look at him. 'I know you meant well. I just don't know what happened. I'm struggling to understand everything. I wanted my father to get well and an old sorcerer came along, claiming to be able to heal him. But father died instead. Later I find out it was my loyal manservant who has never let any harm come to me. Who had always been at my side. _I just need to know what happened_.'

'I don't- I didn't kill your father Arthur. I would never do that.' Merlin says quickly. 'The spell I used was supposed to make him better but it did the exact opposite. Gaius said it could have been sorcery. There are spells that can reverse other spells.'

Arthur considers it for a few seconds before nodding and turning to look at the houses in the distance. 'Okay.'

'I'm surprised you didn't ask me sooner.'

'I didn't have to. I thought it could wait till we were both more stable.'

'Weren't you suspicious?'

Arthur shook his head. 'I can feel you, remember?'

'Oh.' Merlin drops his gaze too.

'why do you think-' Arthur hesitates. 'why do you think I need you around all the time? Especially after… You know.'

'what?' Merlin shakes his head. Even in the faint moonlight, Merlin can tell Arthur's cheeks have turned pink.

'After I get sick.'

'Why?'

'I don't- I don't fully understand this… _thing_. Yet. But I think that because my actual body is still new to it, since I came out of the lake, I'm having a hard time with the souls which have evil in them. They damage me. But the good ones, there are like the medicine. They heal. And- and yours. Your soul Merlin. Its pure. I…'

The warlock's fingers curl around the hem of Arthur's shirt, unconsciously, as he watches him at war with himself, struggling to explain what's going on inside him. 'It's okay,' Merlin whispers. 'As long as I'm close, you'll be fine, right?'

Arthur gives him a tired smile. But it's genuine. And that's all that matters for now.

'Will you write another book? For when Arthur and Merlin meet again?'

Merlin laughs. 'I've already written it.'

'You have?' Arthur asks, surprised. 'I didn't see it in the box.'

'It's not published. Nobody knows about it.'

'When did you write it?'

'Right after the last one.' Merlin shrugs.

They become quiet for sometime before Merlin speaks. 'Oh just say it.'

'Say what?' Arthur looks startled.

'The thing you're thinking.'

'I'm not thinking anything.'

Merlin rolls his eyes. 'I can feel you twisting your ring. Its not that hard when you're got an arm around my waist.' His ears become warm. Arthur's right hand falls away.

'What do you mean?'

'Arthur, you're always over working that small brain of your when you're twisting that ring.'

'Am I?' He sound stunned.

'So?'

'What?'

'Say it.'

'Oh. I- I was just thinking about before. If- if I wasn't meant to be king. Things would be different between us.'

Merlin swallows. 'Different?' he chokes out. Arthur's fingers curve against his waist.

'_I wish so badly, Merlin…_'

'Arthur, you died,' accusation seeps into Merlin's tone. 'And- and here I was, unable to end my life, no matter what I did. You were gone. I was left to deal with-'

'You tried to end your life?' Arthur asks angrily, taking a few steps away from Merlin. 'How could you?'

'I- Yes because can you imagine, watching everything that ever mean to you, withering away around you? Watching everyone you ever loved take their last breaths? Your life falling apart?'

'Merlin I wasn't on a picnic after I died, I was going through torture-'

'And you said yourself you would have rather died than face all that!'

'Yes but I thought about you every moment the pain left me alone!' Arthur shouts and pushes off the blanket, turning his back to Merlin. 'And I don't understand why you wont- you wont let us- I know that you want it too.' His fingers clench into fists at his sides. 'I realize that what I did that night before- before the wedding was wrong. But even you knew that we couldn't! For Camelot- but now? Now when we finally can be? Merlin why wont you-'

'So I just- We just go for it and I surrender myself in every way possible only to end up in the same place! Don't you _understand_ Arthur? I will never die. _But you will_. And what do you expect me to do then? _Arthur I cant wait another thousand years to hold you again_.' Merlin's voice breaks and he feels drained. His knees give away and he's on the floor, pressed to the wall, breathing hard.

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